Shattered Reality

I am aware many of you think because I try to remain positive, that I glorify divorce.   That through my positive posts I either am being fake, or I am delirious.  Neither of which is true.  

The reality is DIVORCE SUCKS!   Its awful!   When you have kids it is even worse.  You live life in a constant battle that is exhausting in every possible way.

As hard as it is for me to admit, I have been stuck in one of those battles lately.  Life sometimes gets to me and that is where I have been.   

Before I got divorced, I was a homeschooling stay at home mom for about 10 years.  Although there are so many aspects of that life I don't miss before this  current stage, I miss all that time with my kids!   I miss being able to pack up in the middle of the week and take a field trip.  I often cooked easy dinners, but I could take the time to prep a special meal when I want to.   I was able to shelter my kids and hide them from things I didst want them to see.  If I wanted to go off for a few days it was no big deal.  We had a yard we could grow things in (and kill them sadly too, my desire to grow never beat out my black thumb) and run and play in,  I had no people to judge me because all they saw was the mask I wanted them to all see, the mirage of the life we actually were living.

The shattered reality is I am a working single mom.   With 10 years of not working, and an unfinished education, the job offers are slim.  I am left with the option of finding a job to provide me the flexibility to be present in my kids lives and work around their schedule, or a job that pays well enough to afford child care and after school care (I honestly prefer the first by extreme far).  I take time off to attend field days, field trips, and all performances.......but I constantly doubt if I am getting enough quality time with them.   I work hard to fill our free time with fun activities and memories, but exhaustion, homework, chores, etc also prevent things.   My kids both struggle with the reality I am no longer able to protect them and hide them from.   There are countless nights we all cry ourselves into sleep.   I am constantly batting self doubt and insecurity.   Words and insults of the past slowly creep back into my mind.

I told a friend recently I feel like Satan is throwing boulders at me lately.   Issue after issue.  There have been days recently where I just feel like Im drowning in frustration, anxiety, anger, and sadness.  I want so bad to create a happy life, a healthy life for the kids and I.   I fight so hard to be strong that I've fallen into a place where strength wears you down and you just feel weak.  I got so tired of people hurting I started withdrawing in.   People who have hurt me, hurt my kids, and hurt others.....It kills me seeing all of it.  

So some of you are asking then why the heck did you do it!?!?!?!?!?   Well, quite frankly, because I had to!   The specifics of it are none of your business, and I do not mean that rude.   I don't regret any of it.   My kids, even in their saddest nights, they don't wish that I did anything different now either.   This was the best decision I made for us and I will stand by that forever.  

When people come to me who are torn with the choice of divorce, I tell them how horrible it is.   I tell them more reasons if I feel led to and if I believe it helps them.   But I also tell them I love them and support them no matter what.  Because to be in that place where you even consider it is a horribly painful place not all can understand.   Its not a place where they need judgement and criticism.

Why am I positive?   Because I believe positive thinking can change the world.   Because I am a fighter.   Because I have no choice.   My super trio (my three bestest friends ever)and my family are the ones I let see the melt downs, the ones I let hear the tears.  Sometimes they cry with me, sometimes they yank me up by my hair and tell me to pull it together, and sometimes they do both!  Yep, I have times of wallowing (been quite a bit lately).   But I don't want pitty, I want to encourage others.   The best way to help yourself is to help others.....that's the point of my blog.  If you don't like what I read, you can just unfollow and stop reading.       Im gonna have bad days, Im gonna have good days, and Im gonna share from my heart.   Im gonna have hope for my future.  Im gonna persevere.   Im gonna have days (today is one) where I just chant like the Little Engine that could until I convince myself God and I go this together and its gonna be alright!

And guess what?   Gods got us!  We are alright!   I have an apartment, our needs are met, I have people who help me with my kids and fill the gap so I can work, I have two kids who do not doubt that their mommy loves them mostest, I have food in our fridge and pantry, we all have clothes to wear, I live close to the ocean, and I could just keep listing the things we do have, but I think this post is long enough for now.

Ill end it with the words of someone I really dont like (Hahaha, thats how I do)....."And the Haters gonna hate, hate, hate.  Baby, Im just gonna shake, shake, shake.  Shake it off!"

Let's Clear the Air: Kids and Divorce

Apparently, some people have taken a couple of blog posts about kids and divorce wrong and I want to clear the air a bit.


I never ever have thought divorce is a good thing for kids!  It's devastating!   Even in the worst situations it hurts kids.   Anyone who actually truly knows me or who has followed this blog completely knows that my kids have struggled!   A year and a half later we still have tearful nights!  (last night was a major one).   I think even in the best situations where both parents are doing their job as that child parent and supporting each other as parents (it's rare but it does happen and is ultimately is best for the kids), the kids still hurt!

However, I think sometimes the marriage and the home situation hurts those kids too and sometimes divorce is necessary.   Only God knows when those times are and that's between that person and God.     For me, and I only speak for myself, I was faced with two bad options and I chose which was the worst of the two.

I get very tired when there is an issue with children who are from divorced homes, a lot of people's first answer is "well that's the consequence to the kids of parents who choose divorce".   No!   That's the consequence of one or both parents not doing their job!!!!   When you go through a divorce, you have so many people judge you and say hurtful things,  nobody EVER knows the whole story (and shouldn't!).   That's a form of judgement and false guilt and I'm just tired of it.

Sometimes, yes even for kids, divorce is a bad option but it is the better option.   Both of my children struggle with things and we work it out together.   They both still have times where they are very sad at the state of their family, but you know what?   Both my kids are glad I am divorced!   Both do not want to go back to what they lived before.


When you go through a divorce, people come to you more often for advice because they know you'll understand and won't judge.   I never ever have been someone to encourage getting a divorce.   I think it's a last resort when you just have given everything you have and tried to change your end and see that's the best option of two horrible ones.   I push for counseling, I encourage the love dare, I give every resource I tried before I came to that point.   When you just can't do it though, I love the person and offer understanding .  When someone gets to that place, the last thing they need is more guilt and blame, because I promise, they are feeling it already.

Things to get better!!!!!!!   Doesn't mean it will be easy!   But it gets better.   Kids will be ok as long as they see they are loved!

A Little Less Judgin' and A Lot More Lovin'

I grew up going to church.  We went every week unless something was really wrong.   I grew up with a strong faith instilled in me.   I am thankful for that.   As I got older and older, I met more and more people who loved God, who loved serving God, but hated going to church.  Always broke my heart.  But I have a confession, I was pretty judgmental myself.  I always knew and spoke out on how important understanding was, I always knew there were other sides to every story, but never lived it myself the way I should.   Over the past few years, Ive felt the sting of judgment myself.  Ive seen several different people I love chased out of different churches for false judgements.  

• That girl with the colored hair, she is a youth mentor helping teens see their true value

• That boy covered in tattoos, hes used some of those tattoos to lead people to Christ

• That teenager you see being promiscuous, she was sexually abused and seeking anyone to just love her for who she is
•  That person wearing sweat pants to church and a shirt with stains or images your don't approve of, that was the best they had
• That person sitting alone in the corner to themselves acting weird, they feel all alone in the world and like nobody accepts them
• That single mom, she left an abusive situation and is hanging on by a thread
• That child being overly affectionate, she just loves people and wants it to show
• That woman you see walking the street late at night, she just wanted to provide for her kids and felt that was her only choice
• That man you see drinking a lot, is silently struggling with some major demons and just needs a real friend

Ive seen people say they want to be Jesus to people, then completely turn their backs on them.    Ive seen fellow Christians mess up, confess and ask for forgiveness, and still be TORN apart by people they trusted.   Ive seen other Christians use scripture to try and tear down their brothers and sisters.   (by the way, I just heard an amazing sermon on how Satan used scripture too!   When he came to Jesus to try to tempt him.  Thats right, even Satan used Scripture as a weapon!   Imagine how Jesus feels when he sees his children doing the same thing!)  I've seen people be confronted "in love and in Christ" by yelling aggressively.  People, we are missing something!!!   Something big!   When Jesus came down, he LOVED people!   He did not hang out with just the prophets and disciples.   He showed love to the tax collector, to the prostitute, to the sick, to the homeless, and so much more.  LOVE!  

We wonder why so many of the younger generations pull away from the church when they get older.   There is so much hate and anger in the world, why would they come to our doors to see the exact same thing?

Here is something that was really hard for me to swallow (and at times I still struggle with when it comes to people I view as down right bad people)........we are sinners too!   We mess up!   Sometimes its something as little as a small lie, sometimes its something that goes on for a long time.   Maybe its just sin in our thoughts.  It doesn't matter! So that person you are so sure is such a dirty low sinner...you dont know the whole story....and even if you did, how are you really any better?  How is treating that person with cruelness going to help?  What if whenever we messed up, it was written on our foreheads for the world to see?   What if people treated you the way you've treated the person you dislike and judge the most?

To anyone I have judged in the past, I AM SORRY!   To anyone that has been judged by people who claim to love Jesus, please don't judge Him based on them.  I promise you whatever you do, He knows the whole story, and guess what?  HE LOVES YOU ANYWAY!!!!!     

The Difficult One, Cinderella Re-Thought

 

As long as I can remember, Cinderella has been one of my favorite stories.  I have seen almost every version of this movie that has come out.   I am fascinated with all things about this fairytale.   I even love jelly shoes because they remind me of glass slippers!   I can sing almost every Disney Cinderella song word for word, no joke (actually listening to some of the songs as I write haha).   Yes, I know Im an adult, but something about that story has always related to me.   Anyways, tonight, after waiting about 3 years, I finally saw the 2015 version of it.  First of all, it was AWESOME!   Go see it!   I will be buying this when it comes out!   One of my favorite versions.  For so many reasons I won't share because I dont want to spoil it.   Just go see it!   Trust me!

But it got me thinking.   Every little girl has a Cinderella fantasy and dreams of being her.   We dream of the fairy godmother swooping in and using her bippity boppity magic and fixing all our problems and our prince coming in and swooping us away into our happily ever after filled with carriages and castles.  

But I think we are missing a big part of the story!   I mean, Cinderella first loses her mother, then her father, and ends up living with some awful women who completely treat her like she is a just a worthless piece of garbage.  I mean, her name is Cinderella because every day she is covered in cinder from the ashes of cleaning out the fireplace.  Her only friends were the mice and birds!   She had nobody loyal in her life!   Everyone in her life has passed away, ran away, or betrayed her except the animals!   So fast forward, the fairy godmother comes in and bippity boppity boo she is all clean, hair done, gorgeous dress, AMAZING shoes, and even a pretty awesome ride!   She goes to the ball, everyone is staring at her (Id hate that part, just saying), she meets this amazing guy (handsome although dressed pretty funny) and its love a first sight and all is well in her fairytale life.  But oh no, the clock strikes midnight.   And its love, but yet she is terrified her prince will see her for who she really is.   She doesnt know her beauty is her personality and kindess and that it shines through even the dirtiest rags.  She doesnt want her stained life to be seen.  So she runs home and hides in her attic.

Luckily, this story has a happy ending.  For two reasons.   The prince didnt care about all that.  He fought for her and chased her and did everything he could to be with her (guys, if your reading, thats what all girls want!).  But she is locked away in the attic and the royal guard comes to her house looking for who will fit the mysterious glass slipper.   She had courage!  Not only to escape the evil woman, but to confront the situation rags and all (seriously, see the new movie for some great quotes in this part!!!).

Here is the thing, I dont know about you, but I am the girl in the rags.   Yes, I LOVE LOVE LOVE sitting at home in sweats and a raggy t-shirt, but not what I meant.   My life is stained too.   Ive dealt with some pretty tough situations in my life.   If you have read any of my blog you know Im a divorced mom, and feel judged and stained because of that at times too.   Ive done things right, and Ive done things wrong and made some mistakes.   But here is the catcher for me.   I too, live my life in fear!  I admit it.  I run and hide when things get tough too.   I worry people look at me and see just the rags.    

Luckily, I have people in my life who help me see the rags, stains, and scars don't matter.  People who walk with me and are genuine and honest (and pretty funny too!).   But I had to let them see the real me too.   And you know what?  Yah, it was was scary!   But my team of awesome people, they make life so much better!   No, life will never ever be without  tough times.  That does not exist.   But when we just sit in the attic and we run and hide, we miss out on a lot.  Its time to stop putting those walls up.   Time to eliminate the evil step-mom and stepsisters in our lives (this can be friends, family, work, church issues, habits, whatever is holding your life in a sadder state).  Time to move forward and enjoy the castle my friends!   Don't worry about the work it takes to get there (how many floors did the poor princess have to scrub!?), its worth it.  Just move forward and enjoy it!

The Other Side of Divorce

Let me first start this post off with a disclaimer.   I in no way am saying divorce is good or the fix all for marriage struggles.   Far too often do I think that people give up too easy.   Almost every time when people come to me with marriage problems and them wanting to start this process, I encourage and push them to make sure they have given everything they have to fix the solution.  Divorce is a hard process to go through, regardless if you want it or of the situation.   Kids do struggle with the process in different ways and different stages.   Anyone who knows me well, knows this is very true in my life.   This post is the other side of that and my perspective.

I wanted my divorce.   I know that is a shocking statement to read, but I have my reasons and those will not be shared publicly.   My marriage was a miserable one, for both of us.   That being said, one of the things that drives me crazy are a few things people always say to me (meaning well, I know, and do appreciate the care and concern very much).

"I am so sorry."  This one is the one people usually mean the most concern with and it is sweet that you care.  However, I am not sorry.   I am actually relieved.  It took a lot for me to get to the conclusion I needed to move forward with that choice, a long time, and a whole lot of consideration.   I feel more like myself now then I have in a very long time.   I have freedom to be me.  I feel more happiness, joy, and peace then I have if not ever, in a very long time.  Usually, when I get the "I am sorry" line I try to politely say "Oh don't be!  Its a good thing!"   Its very awkward and a lot of people get shocked or start judging me.  Here is the thing, unless you have been in my shoes, you just cant understand and I know that.  Just like I understand you mean well, I ask you understand there is more then you know.  

"God hates divorce".  Yes!  Absolutely he does!  He hates it because of what it causes and the aftermath.   He hates seeing ones He love to have to go through it.  But He also gives Biblical reasons for it, and you can not really know if those are in play or not.  Many times, when they are, people do not want to talk about it.   There are also different interpretations of those and that is between that person and God.   He also hates in my case, what my marriage was.   My marriage in itself was wrong.   It was wrong for me and my ex, and it was wrong for my kids.   He hated what my marriage was doing to all of us.   In my case, it came to a point where I was faced which was the worst?   A lot of people I know have been in that same spot. 

"Your kids are gonna be damaged"  OK, my kids have had a hard time.   Different stages have been harder then others.   Let me tell you this though, I was recently talking to my kids about some of their friends whose parents were going through a divorce and one of my kids said " I cant wait to tell _____ how great it is to be a divorced kid!".   I will admit, this caught me off guard.  When I asked that child what was meant, I was told several reasons.   They liked seeing me more happy, they felt we had more fun, and double holidays (yes, I laughed a lot at that one!).   In fact, I know several people who when they told their kids about the divorce, their kids were happy.  I even have a couple friends who admit that when their parents got divorced they were relieved because home life was just so chaotic.  I know what all the statistics say.  But I think those numbers are missing two factors.   One, the quality of home life before the divorce.   Some kids see the troubles and get a lot of stress from it.  Others are sheltered from it and don't see it coming at all and those have a harder time.  The biggest factor in my opinion is two how BOTH parents react in the divorce.   I have seen several times where BOTH were civil and always kept the kids best interest way above their own and were able to keep that separate from the tension the adults were sorting through.  In those situations, the kids have adjusted well and are really doing good.   However, when even one refuses to do so, it doesn't matter how much the other parent does right, the child then struggles.  The more you see this, the more the child struggles.   Also in a divorce, there are so many times cases when one of the parent disappears or fades out and is not as in involved in the child's lives as they were during the marriage.   These are the times those statistics are most talking about in my opinion.  Kids need both parents to be just that, parents!  A healthy relationship with their father is very important too and that tends to be the one that changes the most in most cases (not all!).

I'm sure that this blog will make a lot of people mad at me.   I will probably get some nasty comments and messages and that's OK, Ive gotten them before.  But before you get on my case, I am not saying divorce is the answer or a good thing.  It is a struggle and a very hard journey to go on, one that should not be made lightly at all!  This is just me writing about the other side of that journey, one that if you read my other posts, will show you is not any fun at all.

Single Mom Misconception

There is something that really bothers and makes a lot of single moms laugh.  A huge misconception a lot of you non-single ladies seem to make.    That would be the idea that we are desperate for a man, your man in particular.   Ive had a lot of my other single mom friends tell me how they get left out of groups and watched more carefully by previous friends.   Stories where friends who were once quick to complain about their spouse, suddenly want to make sure how much they make their husbands happy (we aren't stupid ladies!).

The fact is, most of us are terrified of relationships!   Most of us are in the position of being a single mom because we had a really bad relationship where either we were desperate to get out or we were left.   Sure!  We all have times when we are sick of of doing it alone.   We want other men to step up and be good role models to our kids and work hard to find people to put in that place for our kids.    But the idea of being in a relationship has a hundred reasons of terrifying.  We are exhausted and not sure we have the time for a man, let alone the time for chasing after your man!  We are terrified of making the same mistake a second time.

So rest easy ladies.   How about using that energy to just be a good friend!   In fact, having some true blue female friends is very hard to find these days!   (Im blessed to have one of the best!   But you can never have enough).

Live A Life Like Charlette

*This is a blog I had started back in October, but it was too soon to finish and post and I wanted to make sure I was respectful of my other friends and her family.  I recently lost another friend tragically and it just felt time to finish this.

In September, one of my sweet friends from high school passed away suddenly.  Ive always known life is short and we never know when our time is, but it was a harsh reminder how true that is.  Charlette was an amazing woman!  In a million ways, everyone who knew her, could all tell you something different and as equally wonderful about her.  The things that everyone would say were how strong she was in her faith, her love for her daughter, and her positive attitude.

Charlette used her Facebook to constantly always encourage us.   There were constantly new quotes of hers we all would like and share.   But even better then that, she was one who would send short messages encouraging us all.   When I was going through my new journey as a single mom, I must have posted something about a struggle because she contacted me to see how I was and encourage me.   She made sure I realized that as a single mom, I still had major influence in my kids lives if I left God in control.  That I had to keep a positive outlook. 

You know, Charlette had plenty she could complain about.  Plenty she could wallow around in.  But this friend of mine was the type to pack everything up and move from FL to TX because she knew she could make more of her life, no matter how scary that was.  Oh the determination!!!  She didnt complain about it, she just did it!   Just sought out the good and focused on that!  

The biggest thing that stands out, is the legacy that woman left!   With all of us!  She was here to short, but left a major impact.   But the the strongest thing was at her home going celebration.  Her daughter, a teenager, stood on that stage and did a praise dance giving her praise to God!   I don't know about you, but I couldn't do that!

So many times do I wallow.  I get fed up that my life didn't turn out the way I expected.  I get fed up doing things alone (should have seen me taking down the Christmas tree alone, that was a bad bad bad day).   I can not tell you how many times I WORRY about if I will be enough for my kids, if I have completely screwed them up or will.  I want so bad to raise strong healthy kids! 

The thing is, it isn't about me.  I'm not alone.  Yah, I'm pretty blessed with an awesome support group of people.   But what made the difference is Charlette always turned to God.  She turned her daughter to God.  It was never about her.  If you told her how awesome she was, she always pointed to Him!   This girl didn't just preach it, she lived it.  She never claimed to be perfect, but knew that's just not what life was about.   That's the type of people I am inspired by!   That's the type of life I want to live!