Re-Marriage: Never Too Late for Happily Ever After

Now that I am officially engaged, I want to talk about something that kinda annoys me and kinda makes me sad.  I am sharing all of this not just on things people have said to me, but to many other brides I know and have met through some pretty awesome online groups!

A lot of times, when a woman/couple gets married and they are older or it is not their first marriage, people have a lot of opinions on what they should do and their wedding, that quite frankly, can be rude and insensitive.  These are some of the things my friends or/and myself have been told (luckily I have not been told every single one of these!):

• You have been married once, just do it at the courthouse (totally OK if thats what THE COUPLE wants)
• You have already been married or you already have a kid, you are not allowed to wear a white dress
• You have already been married or you already have a kid, you are not allowed to wear a long dress
• Why are you spending money on a wedding at your age or at your stage of life?
• You have been married once, there is no need for you to have a bridal shower.
• There is no need for your father to give you away, he gave you away once already.
• Why are you having a formal wedding, a fancy wedding, a whatever wedding (enter some other description here) if you have already done this before?

Here is the thing, that may be the opinion you have or the way you grew up and that is TOTALLY OK.  However, when you say anything even remotely close to a bride like that, it is hurtful.   If you are talking about a couple who has been married before or had a child before marriage, a lot of times there are struggles they went through to get to that point of joy and happiness they are at now!  Many of which many people do not even realize.

In my case, I had a bigger wedding the first time.   It was a beautiful wedding, but after the wedding, I went through YEARS of trials that people still to this day dont know about or need to know about.  It took a lot to leave that marriage, and a lot of struggles.  I wasnt sure that I would ever marry again.   Getting this chance to me, is even more special then the first time (no offense to the past).  I have got to experience bad and it makes me appreciate all the good SO MUCH MORE!!!   I get to have my children all be there and be a part of the celebration!!  I truly am getting a second chance and all of that combines is so much more special then I could ever even explain!!  Why would I NOT want a special ceremony and reception to go with that?  To me, it is a chance to show my kids, myself, and the world what second chances are about.  It is a second chance to show them how amazing marriage can be and should be!  That is just the best gift! For all of us!

Also, I know many people with a child before marriage feel the same way and get the same criticism!   

Just because people may have went through some stuff or made some wrong decisions in the past, does not mean that their love and their relationship is any less special, meaningful, and important.  That is what those comments mean to the couple, whether you mean it that way or not.

Go out and celebrate with them!!!!!!!!!!!!   WEDDINGS ARE EXCITING!!!!!   Enjoy this phase with your friends and loved ones!   Through that party or shower with them or for them!  Send the card!  Say the encouragement!  

I promise you when you take part in the joy, you will feel the joy and love as well.  Nothing beats being a part of a second chance at anything!

GUESS WHO IS ENGAGED?

Guess what?   WE ARE ENGAGED!!!!!!

I know, I know, several of you saw and knew it was coming LOL.  We can officially scream it from the rooftops and start planning away now!

I am TOTALLY in love with this ring!

Jeremy proposed last Friday, September 16, 2016.   I have to say, he didn't plan it, but that was also national Step Family Day!   When we realized it, it just added the extra specialness to it!  We went out for a nice dinner and then went for a walk on the beach.   It was a gorgeous night!!!!!!   Full moon that just lit up the whole beach!  As we were walking and talking about life (like we often do) he kept complimenting me and telling me how he is the happiest he has ever been and thanking me for all I do in his life.  Next thing I know, he was down on one knee asking me to marry him!  I think before I said yes, I asked him what are you doing as he got down on his knee!  LOL!  We both stood there and just hugged for the longest time.  It truly was precious!

We did laugh, afterwards as we were walking back to the car, the tide was coming in pretty high.  I went to jump over some water and landed in a patch of sand spurs and had about 5 or so embedded into my toes!  He had to get back down on a knee and use his phone light to rescue me!  LOL!  That just perfectly fit our lives!  We still laugh about it almost a week later!

Can I just take a minute to say how blessed I truly feel?  Jeremy is my best friend!  I have never known anyone like this man!  He takes such good care of all of us.  He has rode through so many storms with me and just proved his character over and over.  He is the best father I have ever known and truly treats all 4 kids exactly the same!  He takes care of me in big and small ways!  (he does things like always makes sure he can take the trash out at my apartment so I dont have to carry it down three stories, keeps up with my car maintenance and gets the oil changed for me, and just so much more!).  He has learned how to help me calm down in life when anxiety takes over.  He is so calm and gentle, while at the same time being so strong!  He has learned to become the leader of our family and sets an amazing example!  He not only cares about my hopes and dreams, but encourages me to accomplish them!

I always wanted and hoped to re-marry one day, but I was not sure if I would or could!  Coming from a bad and very unhealthy relationship, I did not want to go back to that again!  I did not want to put my kids through that trauma again.  I wanted to make sure if I was ever to re-marry again I had not even an ounce of doubt!   WOW!  I can not tell you how awesome it is to be in this place in life!  It feels like I have truly been given a second chance at life and MAN DO WE ENJOY LIVING LIFE TOGETHER!!!!!  What an amazing thing it is to be in such a healthy strong relationship!  And even better to know that this time, it truly will last until forever!  Guys, I actually know I found my HAPPILY EVER AFTER!  Makes my eyes burn whenever I think about it!

Many of you have asked about living arrangements, we will not be living together until the wedding.  Not only does that go with what our faith and beliefs stand for, but that is what is best for the children.

The children are all excited with us

We will be getting married in the end of February!  I know, many of you are expecting it to be a Disney themed wedding.  LOL.  Well, we couldn't disappoint you could we?  

It will be a very small wedding for family and a few of our closest friends at Disney Springs (with a touch of Disney theming,  but not screaming it) in the end of February of 2017.  We would both love to be able to have all of you there, but due to space and budget, we just are not able to.  We promise to share as many details during the process and photos afterwards!  For those of you who would like to follow the details and see our registry information, please go to our wedding website at:

www.weddingwire.com/JeremyTamara

Our honeymoon will be in March while the children are at their other parents for Spring Break.   You can view our registry for that at the wedding website above or by going straight to:

www.travelersjoy.com/jeremytamara

My thoughts on the Black Lives Matter movement..........

OK, so I know this is a touchy subject for a lot of people, so let me first off stating I am far from racist!  I feel like anytime you bring this subject up, that is the first thing people want to run to.  I promise I am not!  When my daughter was born, one of the first toys I bought her was a black baby doll.  I was determined to not let her grow up only playing with toys that looked like her and wanted all my children to grow up seeing no color.   When I used to homeschool them, I always did a lesson on Black History month and we focused a lot on the civil rights movement.  I can remember watching videos of that time frame with them and us all crying together over how people were treated as humans!  (So please read this to the end and hear my heart before casting your own judgement!)

The very reason above, is the very reason that the whole Black Lives Matter movement truly breaks my heart.  I truly believe that all BLM is doing, is creating racism.  

I have several black friends who I have been able to have real conversation with on both sides of the debate.  And that is exactly what we need to be doing is having conversations in love!

I understand and agree that there is still racism in our country!  Especially in certain areas of the country, black people are still looked at very differently.  A few years ago, I lived in a small town in Alabama.  I remember making friends with one black lady there (sadly there were not many) and she would tell me she wouldn't even go to garage sales in certain towns because several times she had things thrown at her and hateful words yelled out at her!  There are areas in our country where the KKK is still alive and active.  Growing up in an urban area, I was shocked at a lot of this!   But it is definitely real people!

However, I do not believe in the old "an eye for an eye" mentality.  What I see the majority of BLM doing is just that.   I do not see it bringing up many constructive converstations.   Even in the last week in my own area, I have seen acts of hate!  Burning down police cars, calling law enforcement officers pigs, making threats.  Even if it is a "peaceful protest", if they are shouting out words of hate and anger.....if they are blocking roads and sidewalks (to other people who just have place to go or jobs to get to), what message do you think that really sends?  Do you think it makes people want to listen to your side?  Your situation?

I have talked to a lot of people on both sides of this because this is an issue right now that is very dear to my heart and very personal to me.  Here is what I am hearing.

From the black people, they just want people to understand how they still live in fear.  They want the racism to stop.  I understand that no matter how hard I try to understand, how much I love them and have compassion for them, as a white female, there is no way I can ever truly understand exactly what they deal with.

From white people, I have friends who have truly grown up color blind, learning to be more afraid of black people.   The hate that is going on, causes them to think twice when they are walking down the street and someone of another color walks by.   They wonder if the next black person will attack them simply because they are tired of the racism and they are angry.  Do you see what I mean?   This movement and the way it is being presented, its stirring up racism in people it was never there!!!   HEART BREAKING!!!!

Now let me also tell you why else this is very personal to me.  As any of you that already know me, know that my heart belongs to a police officer!  All this hate is being geared primarily to the ones who keep us safe.   There are many police officers who just got back from Afghanistan who felt safer there then they do in our own country right now protecting us!  The police officers are worn down from being on extra alert!  I am hearing of other stories locally such as police officers driving their kids home and having people drive up next to them shouting out threats on their life, not just threatening them but their own CHILDREN!

Yes, there are bad cops out there!  Believe it or not, I've dealt with one myself personally too!   But let me first say, there are bad people in every profession, race, religion, you name it!  I dont see any groups on police officers rallying together anywhere to intentionally harm other black people!   And believe it or not, when a cop does do something wrong, they do get held accountable!  They lose their jobs, they even go to jail!  But with that being said, of course the media never shows it when the bad police officers have to pay that accountability.   And a lot of times when the media goes after a cop for being "bad" and people get angry because they don't see that cop being held accountable, it is because the media NEVER EVER shows the whole story!    Usually much later with a ton less publicity, it comes out that there was just cause for the incident.

People do not realize how hard it is to be in that profession.  Yes, they chose it!   Many would choose it again and again even with all the junk today!  Something as little as a traffic stop, can turn into a shoot out in a second!  They have to act on instinct, something they go through a lot of training on and have continued training as well!  I will always sway in their favor until I hear the whole story because of this!   They never fully clock out either.  Many of them when they go out to eat, cant sit with their back to the door, just so they can keep an eye out.  They call stuff in that looks suspicious even if they are off duty. 

Right now, there are police forces who have instructed their officers to not wear their uniforms to work, but to change in the station, for fear of their lives to and from work.  There are families of officers who have to remove any law enforcement decals and signs from their cars (signs meant to support their loved ones) for fear of something as little as a blue line on their car or their front door makes them a target for terrorists (yes thats what I call them!).  They can't attend prayer rallies for their loved ones because those very loved ones are officers who don't think its safe to show their families in those situations.  Do you not see how the very thing you want discussion about, is what is getting worse and worse?

I urge people, instead of standing with Black Lives Matter, do something in your community that will help bridge the gap between all people, especially in areas you see it such a stronger issue!!  

Yes, black lives do matter.  You should not have to be under the racism that still occurs.  But blue lives matter too, they are under the exact same scrutiny right now and so are their families!  All lives do truly matter equally!   Stop adding to the hate and start spreading some love!!!!  Stop encouraging racism without even meaning to........

Orlando United, visiting the memorials of the Pulse Shooting

Yesterday, I had a chance to go visit the memorials put up by the Orlando Health Medical Center/Hospitals

Greg Zanis, from Illinois, drove 1,200 miles from his home to place the wooden crosses he made in memory for each of the 49 victims. These crosses gave people a place to write messages of hope and a place to share their condolences to the families. After people have a chance to write their messages, he plans to give them to the families.

 

When you go there, it is beyond touching to see each of the crosses. People have attached balloons (with more space to write messages) and laid flowers, candles, and gifts. It is a place where so many people there are offering hugs and is a place to grieve together.  It is inspiring to see a community come together so much in love despite their differences.  I have always been proud to say I was born and raised there, but to see the reaction of the people, it just makes you that much more proud!

 

If you get a chance, make the drive and visit this memorial!  It will forever be a part of our history.

This particular victim, she is the one I get the most emotional about.  She was with her son that night to show him that she loved him and supported him.  When she saw the shooter point the gun at her son, she jumped in front of him giving her own life to save his!

 

While you are there, support the businesses that are on the Orange Avenue blocks from the hospitals to Michigan Ave where they are just starting to slowly re-open.  Those  business have taken a huge loss due to the mass areas that have been/are currently shut down.  It is not just the Pulse victims affected, many people are unable to work until this is all cleared.   Go shop, get a coffee, a donut, or go out to eat and show your support that way!

STEPping On, journey to blending a family

Although I love the movie Cinderella, I hate what it has done to the stereotype of step families!  Yes, there are a lot of wicked stepmothers out there (it SHOULD make Biological mothers appreciate when they have a good one in their kids lives, but rarely works that), but there are so many good ones too!

I find myself in a weird stage of life.   My ex has a live in girlfriend who is in the role of stepmother to my biological children.  My boyfriend and I (we do plan on getting married but there is no official engagement just yet) treat our children as a blended family so I am in the role of stepmother as well.  I am constantly trying to put myself in the other's shoes because I truly do see both sides when I live on both sides!

I love my stepchildren truly the same as I do my biological children and I am beyond blessed that my boyfriend says and feels the same for my biological children.  There truly is no line for us, no his and hers.

I have several friends in similar or same situations as me.  As stepmoms, we are aware and do not want to be here to replace the mother, no matter the state of that relationship.  As moms, we worry about being replaced!

As the biological mother, it is so hard to step back and let someone else in to that spot of my kids lives.   Especially when the situation arrives where we do not like how things are being played out.  You have no control of what goes on there during that time.  For me, if the kids are loved and treated fairly and with respect, I would be so happy!  Ideally, you would be able to get along and communicate together well, although this seems to rarely happen and that makes me sad!

As the stepmother, I work so hard to show those kids love and acceptance and respect.  I feel the struggle in my own insecurities to fight the stupid stereotype!  When issues arise, I have never once talked poorly about the biological mother, in fact I have worked hard to encourage the relationship to flourish.  However, as in so many cases, if the biological has ill feelings still towards the ex-spouse and the divorce, the stepmother gets the brunt in it.   

What is truly heartbreaking to me, is it is not the adults who suffer in this struggle (although there are many tears from the adults too), it is the children!   Children should be made to feel they can love all roles in their lives!  Their loyalty should never be questioned.  They should not feel guilty to enjoy time with one person over the other! And it happens SOOOOOO OFTEN!  Why can not all parties just put their own feelings, thoughts, and opinions to the side when regarding the children and work together for the success of the children!?!? 

They have counselors who specialize in family counseling and specifically blending families and efficiently co-parenting for the children.   This is such a WONDERFUL THING!!!  I honestly wish there were more conferences and such for this because it takes WORK from many people!  Sadly, too many families will never take advantage of this because almost always, one party refuses to get on board, which I just have no understanding for honestly.  Why would you not want to do something to benefit children if you love them?   Why would you not want them to have the best chance at a successful life?

Here is the deal people, no matter what side of this journey you on, the key to success is YOU!  Yes, it is horrific when the other party spews out hate and bitterness, I know this all too well and I have sat with friends in tears who struggle with this as well!  But all we can do is our best!  This journey can suck the life out of you, but make the conscious decision to keep moving forward!  KEEP TRYING!  One day, the kids WILL see your effort!  It may not come for a long time, but thats sometimes the struggle in parenting, even in a complete natural form.   

Time for an Update!

So I have not wrote much on this blog lately, so much has went on this year!  Its been a roller coaster of a year!

I have been working a lot!  3 jobs in fact.   LOL.  You know me, I cant sit still.  My main job is a personal assistant for a guy who runs a construction company and a hotel.   I just recently started working as a personal/admin assistant for a mother/son team who does vacation rentals.  There we also work with groups and events.  I am really loving that job a lot!   And the 3rd one is I work at my kids dance school which is a HUGE blessing to all of us!  I have made some wonderful friends there and I just love everything they do!

I also started writing a second blog!   I figured as much as I love Disney and as much as I love writing, why not combine the two and try to turn into a job!  My goal is to get the blog monetized and have that be my main job one day!  Want to be able to stay home with the kids more again one day!  It has been going pretty good!  Many people out there are as crazy about Disney as I am!  It has been great to make so many new friends through this too!  Check it out at www.pixiedustrequired.com

This year has brought us some amazing things through some crazy challenges.   One of my friends went through a very similar situation that I went through last year.  Me being there for him brought on many rumors and we both lost a lot of friends through that nightmare.  It was a very hard time for a lot of people.  Funny thing is (OK not funny so much but beautifully strange) the more people bashed, gossiped, and etc the closer it brought us together and we decided to give dating a try!  It was a scary decision because so many people had accused us of it, but best decision!   It is so wonderful to date my best friend! He has seen me at my worst (and I him), he has seen the anxiety take over me, he has seen my kids at very low points, and stuck through it all.   He has two kids the same age as mine, and we do just about everything together!  The kids all love each other and get along great!   There are times they have issues, they are kids after all!  LOL. Its amazing to see how he loves my kids as his own and I his.  There is something so beautiful to that I honestly don't even know how to explain!  We all miss each other when we are apart.   My kids often ask to send him texts and his do the same to me.  Either of us would do anything at all for the others kids just like our own.

Seth & Lillie are growing up way too fast!   Lillie is in 5th grade and looking like a little lady!  She can wear my clothes and shoes now!   Thats a bittersweet thing.  Seth is in 3rd grade and he is my little comic.   They both are so good to help keep this family going!   Lillie is the little momma and Seth is the protective one.  Both switched dance schools this year, a decision we were all nervous about, but has been AMAZING!   Lillie is continuing with her ballet, but also taking theatrical dance and acro (which has been a struggle for her!).   Seth is taking breakdance/hip hop and tap, both in an all boys class!  Its been great to see them thrive there in a lot of ways!    Both are already aware that they can use this to get a scholarship for college and talk to me about college choices already!   Seth is also working hard to get his running speed up so he can do track in middle school and Lillie is really enjoying being in an art club!   I have amazing kids!

I am so excited to see what this next year brings for us all!  

Lillie, Tyler, Chloe, and Seth in their Chritmas PJs getting ready to decorate the trees

Seth and Lillie on a trip to the Tampa Zoo this summer

Chloe, Lillie, Tyler, and Seth all enjoying the hurricane tunnel at the Tampa Zoo.  I love the laughter in their faces!

Seth & Lillie on their first day of school

Seth with his awesome dance teachers (swag coaches LOL).  He looks up to them so much!

Chloe and Seth, the constant comics in our lives!

Chloe, Tyler, Lillie, and Seth on Halloween!   First time his kids got to go Trick or Treating!

Lillie and Tyler have a lot of deep conversation!  I love this pic of them!

Jeremy and I in a corn pit!  We took all the kids to the corn maze this summer!

Jeremy and I at Hollywood Studios!  He loves Disney and Once Upon A Time too!

Jeremy was a wiseman in the kids Christmas play!   He is so good at supporting them in their theater, dance, school, and just everything!

See how fast she is growing up!   

Boys Can Dance Too!

I have an amazing 9 year old son.   Last year, the dance company his sister (whose been in dance since she was 3) attended, started up a breakdance class.  He was always dancing at home and I wanted him to have some kind of an outlet, so I signed him up and asked him to give it a try.  He was slightly reluctant at first because he himself, at 8 years old at that time, had this idea that dance was only for girls.   Luckily, when he showed up there were a bunch of other boys in the class too and his teacher was a very manly guy.  My son became instantly hooked!!!!   That kid has a natural talent for dance.   The class was one of the best things for him too.  There were days he would leave class crying because the move was just too hard for him.   He has some real tendencies to be a perfectionist and a quitter in one (odd combo I know).   If he cant do it perfect, he would get very frustrated and just want to quit.  We were very blessed to have his teacher, Johnny.   That man stuck with him and encouraged him and gave my son just what he needed.  It got to the point that all my son did was dance!   We would be in the grocery store and there he was just following behind me practicing every move he could.   

Through that class, my son then learned of his favorite performer, Michael Jackson.  He begs to see movies and look up videos of his dance moves and will truly study his feet and work hard to mimic the moves.   I, being a big Michael Jackson fan myself, was pretty proud of this new huge interest of his.

This year, we switched dance companies (for no reasons against the previous company!  Still love them, it was just a better move for our family and much more convenient).   Luckily, his breakdance teacher also began teaching at the same studio (which we were not aware of at the time).  At this new studio my son gets to take two all boy classes!!   One that offers hip hop/breakdance, and one that offers tap.

Last night was his first night to get to dance in his new tap shoes, which he was very excited to have.  Last night was also a very difficult night for my super buddy.  It started out he had to get used to the tap shoes, they felt and sounded different then he expected and wanted to be perfect right away.   He was almost in tears.  I talked to his amazing tap teacher (who gave great tips to help) then I went to talk to him to see what was up and what we could do to help move him forward.

Well, in talking to him, the waterworks poured out of him.   It wasn't just that he was frustrated learning the new shoes.  When he couldn't get the moves out perfect, others peoples words poured into his little mind and heart.

"You cant dance."

"Dancing is just for girls"

"Dancing is not a sport"

"Your gonna be weird if you turn into a dancer"

Ugh, my mommy heart was broken.   Anger boiled up inside of me.  Didn't people see how much he LOVED to dance?   Couldn't they see how amazing he was at it?  How much joy and happiness boiled up inside of me.  I tried to soothe him and reassure him, but I'm just his mom and another girl, what do I know?  Luckily, his hop teacher (who is another awesome guy in his life) was still at the academy and was willing to talk to him (what a blessing he was!!!)

He sat down and shared with him some of his own struggles growing up (which were very similar).  He also told him that male dancers get paid more than the females (I didn't know that!).  He encouraged him that dancing was in fact a sport!   I mean seriously, have you ever looked at the muscles these dancers have?!?!?!?   Male and female alike!   And the discipline it requires, oh my!  

I mean can you do this?  I know I cant!

or this?

And can I just say I am so sick of people thinking that because a boy chooses to dance it will mess with his sexuality preference?   Football players wear tight shorts.....whats the difference?   Because a boy chooses a different activity has nothing to do with all that at all!  In fact, I truly believe the sport of dance is much more difficult than any other traditional "sport" a boy could choose!   And come on, there are plenty of us out there with no rhythm at all (I'm guilty!) that are just jealous we don't have their moves!

I am thankful he has an awesome studio with a class of a bunch of boys who are like minded.  He has two amazing guys for teachers who encourage him and teach him (and not just in dance).   They support his love for dance and his quirky passion for MJ.   They teach him its OK to be different.

(My son with his Breakdance teacher Johnny on the left; and his Hip Hop teacher Jerry on the right)

Shattered Reality

I am aware many of you think because I try to remain positive, that I glorify divorce.   That through my positive posts I either am being fake, or I am delirious.  Neither of which is true.  

The reality is DIVORCE SUCKS!   Its awful!   When you have kids it is even worse.  You live life in a constant battle that is exhausting in every possible way.

As hard as it is for me to admit, I have been stuck in one of those battles lately.  Life sometimes gets to me and that is where I have been.   

Before I got divorced, I was a homeschooling stay at home mom for about 10 years.  Although there are so many aspects of that life I don't miss before this  current stage, I miss all that time with my kids!   I miss being able to pack up in the middle of the week and take a field trip.  I often cooked easy dinners, but I could take the time to prep a special meal when I want to.   I was able to shelter my kids and hide them from things I didst want them to see.  If I wanted to go off for a few days it was no big deal.  We had a yard we could grow things in (and kill them sadly too, my desire to grow never beat out my black thumb) and run and play in,  I had no people to judge me because all they saw was the mask I wanted them to all see, the mirage of the life we actually were living.

The shattered reality is I am a working single mom.   With 10 years of not working, and an unfinished education, the job offers are slim.  I am left with the option of finding a job to provide me the flexibility to be present in my kids lives and work around their schedule, or a job that pays well enough to afford child care and after school care (I honestly prefer the first by extreme far).  I take time off to attend field days, field trips, and all performances.......but I constantly doubt if I am getting enough quality time with them.   I work hard to fill our free time with fun activities and memories, but exhaustion, homework, chores, etc also prevent things.   My kids both struggle with the reality I am no longer able to protect them and hide them from.   There are countless nights we all cry ourselves into sleep.   I am constantly batting self doubt and insecurity.   Words and insults of the past slowly creep back into my mind.

I told a friend recently I feel like Satan is throwing boulders at me lately.   Issue after issue.  There have been days recently where I just feel like Im drowning in frustration, anxiety, anger, and sadness.  I want so bad to create a happy life, a healthy life for the kids and I.   I fight so hard to be strong that I've fallen into a place where strength wears you down and you just feel weak.  I got so tired of people hurting I started withdrawing in.   People who have hurt me, hurt my kids, and hurt others.....It kills me seeing all of it.  

So some of you are asking then why the heck did you do it!?!?!?!?!?   Well, quite frankly, because I had to!   The specifics of it are none of your business, and I do not mean that rude.   I don't regret any of it.   My kids, even in their saddest nights, they don't wish that I did anything different now either.   This was the best decision I made for us and I will stand by that forever.  

When people come to me who are torn with the choice of divorce, I tell them how horrible it is.   I tell them more reasons if I feel led to and if I believe it helps them.   But I also tell them I love them and support them no matter what.  Because to be in that place where you even consider it is a horribly painful place not all can understand.   Its not a place where they need judgement and criticism.

Why am I positive?   Because I believe positive thinking can change the world.   Because I am a fighter.   Because I have no choice.   My super trio (my three bestest friends ever)and my family are the ones I let see the melt downs, the ones I let hear the tears.  Sometimes they cry with me, sometimes they yank me up by my hair and tell me to pull it together, and sometimes they do both!  Yep, I have times of wallowing (been quite a bit lately).   But I don't want pitty, I want to encourage others.   The best way to help yourself is to help others.....that's the point of my blog.  If you don't like what I read, you can just unfollow and stop reading.       Im gonna have bad days, Im gonna have good days, and Im gonna share from my heart.   Im gonna have hope for my future.  Im gonna persevere.   Im gonna have days (today is one) where I just chant like the Little Engine that could until I convince myself God and I go this together and its gonna be alright!

And guess what?   Gods got us!  We are alright!   I have an apartment, our needs are met, I have people who help me with my kids and fill the gap so I can work, I have two kids who do not doubt that their mommy loves them mostest, I have food in our fridge and pantry, we all have clothes to wear, I live close to the ocean, and I could just keep listing the things we do have, but I think this post is long enough for now.

Ill end it with the words of someone I really dont like (Hahaha, thats how I do)....."And the Haters gonna hate, hate, hate.  Baby, Im just gonna shake, shake, shake.  Shake it off!"

Let's Clear the Air: Kids and Divorce

Apparently, some people have taken a couple of blog posts about kids and divorce wrong and I want to clear the air a bit.


I never ever have thought divorce is a good thing for kids!  It's devastating!   Even in the worst situations it hurts kids.   Anyone who actually truly knows me or who has followed this blog completely knows that my kids have struggled!   A year and a half later we still have tearful nights!  (last night was a major one).   I think even in the best situations where both parents are doing their job as that child parent and supporting each other as parents (it's rare but it does happen and is ultimately is best for the kids), the kids still hurt!

However, I think sometimes the marriage and the home situation hurts those kids too and sometimes divorce is necessary.   Only God knows when those times are and that's between that person and God.     For me, and I only speak for myself, I was faced with two bad options and I chose which was the worst of the two.

I get very tired when there is an issue with children who are from divorced homes, a lot of people's first answer is "well that's the consequence to the kids of parents who choose divorce".   No!   That's the consequence of one or both parents not doing their job!!!!   When you go through a divorce, you have so many people judge you and say hurtful things,  nobody EVER knows the whole story (and shouldn't!).   That's a form of judgement and false guilt and I'm just tired of it.

Sometimes, yes even for kids, divorce is a bad option but it is the better option.   Both of my children struggle with things and we work it out together.   They both still have times where they are very sad at the state of their family, but you know what?   Both my kids are glad I am divorced!   Both do not want to go back to what they lived before.


When you go through a divorce, people come to you more often for advice because they know you'll understand and won't judge.   I never ever have been someone to encourage getting a divorce.   I think it's a last resort when you just have given everything you have and tried to change your end and see that's the best option of two horrible ones.   I push for counseling, I encourage the love dare, I give every resource I tried before I came to that point.   When you just can't do it though, I love the person and offer understanding .  When someone gets to that place, the last thing they need is more guilt and blame, because I promise, they are feeling it already.

Things to get better!!!!!!!   Doesn't mean it will be easy!   But it gets better.   Kids will be ok as long as they see they are loved!

A Little Less Judgin' and A Lot More Lovin'

I grew up going to church.  We went every week unless something was really wrong.   I grew up with a strong faith instilled in me.   I am thankful for that.   As I got older and older, I met more and more people who loved God, who loved serving God, but hated going to church.  Always broke my heart.  But I have a confession, I was pretty judgmental myself.  I always knew and spoke out on how important understanding was, I always knew there were other sides to every story, but never lived it myself the way I should.   Over the past few years, Ive felt the sting of judgment myself.  Ive seen several different people I love chased out of different churches for false judgements.  

• That girl with the colored hair, she is a youth mentor helping teens see their true value

• That boy covered in tattoos, hes used some of those tattoos to lead people to Christ

• That teenager you see being promiscuous, she was sexually abused and seeking anyone to just love her for who she is
•  That person wearing sweat pants to church and a shirt with stains or images your don't approve of, that was the best they had
• That person sitting alone in the corner to themselves acting weird, they feel all alone in the world and like nobody accepts them
• That single mom, she left an abusive situation and is hanging on by a thread
• That child being overly affectionate, she just loves people and wants it to show
• That woman you see walking the street late at night, she just wanted to provide for her kids and felt that was her only choice
• That man you see drinking a lot, is silently struggling with some major demons and just needs a real friend

Ive seen people say they want to be Jesus to people, then completely turn their backs on them.    Ive seen fellow Christians mess up, confess and ask for forgiveness, and still be TORN apart by people they trusted.   Ive seen other Christians use scripture to try and tear down their brothers and sisters.   (by the way, I just heard an amazing sermon on how Satan used scripture too!   When he came to Jesus to try to tempt him.  Thats right, even Satan used Scripture as a weapon!   Imagine how Jesus feels when he sees his children doing the same thing!)  I've seen people be confronted "in love and in Christ" by yelling aggressively.  People, we are missing something!!!   Something big!   When Jesus came down, he LOVED people!   He did not hang out with just the prophets and disciples.   He showed love to the tax collector, to the prostitute, to the sick, to the homeless, and so much more.  LOVE!  

We wonder why so many of the younger generations pull away from the church when they get older.   There is so much hate and anger in the world, why would they come to our doors to see the exact same thing?

Here is something that was really hard for me to swallow (and at times I still struggle with when it comes to people I view as down right bad people)........we are sinners too!   We mess up!   Sometimes its something as little as a small lie, sometimes its something that goes on for a long time.   Maybe its just sin in our thoughts.  It doesn't matter! So that person you are so sure is such a dirty low sinner...you dont know the whole story....and even if you did, how are you really any better?  How is treating that person with cruelness going to help?  What if whenever we messed up, it was written on our foreheads for the world to see?   What if people treated you the way you've treated the person you dislike and judge the most?

To anyone I have judged in the past, I AM SORRY!   To anyone that has been judged by people who claim to love Jesus, please don't judge Him based on them.  I promise you whatever you do, He knows the whole story, and guess what?  HE LOVES YOU ANYWAY!!!!!     

The Difficult One, Cinderella Re-Thought

 

As long as I can remember, Cinderella has been one of my favorite stories.  I have seen almost every version of this movie that has come out.   I am fascinated with all things about this fairytale.   I even love jelly shoes because they remind me of glass slippers!   I can sing almost every Disney Cinderella song word for word, no joke (actually listening to some of the songs as I write haha).   Yes, I know Im an adult, but something about that story has always related to me.   Anyways, tonight, after waiting about 3 years, I finally saw the 2015 version of it.  First of all, it was AWESOME!   Go see it!   I will be buying this when it comes out!   One of my favorite versions.  For so many reasons I won't share because I dont want to spoil it.   Just go see it!   Trust me!

But it got me thinking.   Every little girl has a Cinderella fantasy and dreams of being her.   We dream of the fairy godmother swooping in and using her bippity boppity magic and fixing all our problems and our prince coming in and swooping us away into our happily ever after filled with carriages and castles.  

But I think we are missing a big part of the story!   I mean, Cinderella first loses her mother, then her father, and ends up living with some awful women who completely treat her like she is a just a worthless piece of garbage.  I mean, her name is Cinderella because every day she is covered in cinder from the ashes of cleaning out the fireplace.  Her only friends were the mice and birds!   She had nobody loyal in her life!   Everyone in her life has passed away, ran away, or betrayed her except the animals!   So fast forward, the fairy godmother comes in and bippity boppity boo she is all clean, hair done, gorgeous dress, AMAZING shoes, and even a pretty awesome ride!   She goes to the ball, everyone is staring at her (Id hate that part, just saying), she meets this amazing guy (handsome although dressed pretty funny) and its love a first sight and all is well in her fairytale life.  But oh no, the clock strikes midnight.   And its love, but yet she is terrified her prince will see her for who she really is.   She doesnt know her beauty is her personality and kindess and that it shines through even the dirtiest rags.  She doesnt want her stained life to be seen.  So she runs home and hides in her attic.

Luckily, this story has a happy ending.  For two reasons.   The prince didnt care about all that.  He fought for her and chased her and did everything he could to be with her (guys, if your reading, thats what all girls want!).  But she is locked away in the attic and the royal guard comes to her house looking for who will fit the mysterious glass slipper.   She had courage!  Not only to escape the evil woman, but to confront the situation rags and all (seriously, see the new movie for some great quotes in this part!!!).

Here is the thing, I dont know about you, but I am the girl in the rags.   Yes, I LOVE LOVE LOVE sitting at home in sweats and a raggy t-shirt, but not what I meant.   My life is stained too.   Ive dealt with some pretty tough situations in my life.   If you have read any of my blog you know Im a divorced mom, and feel judged and stained because of that at times too.   Ive done things right, and Ive done things wrong and made some mistakes.   But here is the catcher for me.   I too, live my life in fear!  I admit it.  I run and hide when things get tough too.   I worry people look at me and see just the rags.    

Luckily, I have people in my life who help me see the rags, stains, and scars don't matter.  People who walk with me and are genuine and honest (and pretty funny too!).   But I had to let them see the real me too.   And you know what?  Yah, it was was scary!   But my team of awesome people, they make life so much better!   No, life will never ever be without  tough times.  That does not exist.   But when we just sit in the attic and we run and hide, we miss out on a lot.  Its time to stop putting those walls up.   Time to eliminate the evil step-mom and stepsisters in our lives (this can be friends, family, work, church issues, habits, whatever is holding your life in a sadder state).  Time to move forward and enjoy the castle my friends!   Don't worry about the work it takes to get there (how many floors did the poor princess have to scrub!?), its worth it.  Just move forward and enjoy it!

The Other Side of Divorce

Let me first start this post off with a disclaimer.   I in no way am saying divorce is good or the fix all for marriage struggles.   Far too often do I think that people give up too easy.   Almost every time when people come to me with marriage problems and them wanting to start this process, I encourage and push them to make sure they have given everything they have to fix the solution.  Divorce is a hard process to go through, regardless if you want it or of the situation.   Kids do struggle with the process in different ways and different stages.   Anyone who knows me well, knows this is very true in my life.   This post is the other side of that and my perspective.

I wanted my divorce.   I know that is a shocking statement to read, but I have my reasons and those will not be shared publicly.   My marriage was a miserable one, for both of us.   That being said, one of the things that drives me crazy are a few things people always say to me (meaning well, I know, and do appreciate the care and concern very much).

"I am so sorry."  This one is the one people usually mean the most concern with and it is sweet that you care.  However, I am not sorry.   I am actually relieved.  It took a lot for me to get to the conclusion I needed to move forward with that choice, a long time, and a whole lot of consideration.   I feel more like myself now then I have in a very long time.   I have freedom to be me.  I feel more happiness, joy, and peace then I have if not ever, in a very long time.  Usually, when I get the "I am sorry" line I try to politely say "Oh don't be!  Its a good thing!"   Its very awkward and a lot of people get shocked or start judging me.  Here is the thing, unless you have been in my shoes, you just cant understand and I know that.  Just like I understand you mean well, I ask you understand there is more then you know.  

"God hates divorce".  Yes!  Absolutely he does!  He hates it because of what it causes and the aftermath.   He hates seeing ones He love to have to go through it.  But He also gives Biblical reasons for it, and you can not really know if those are in play or not.  Many times, when they are, people do not want to talk about it.   There are also different interpretations of those and that is between that person and God.   He also hates in my case, what my marriage was.   My marriage in itself was wrong.   It was wrong for me and my ex, and it was wrong for my kids.   He hated what my marriage was doing to all of us.   In my case, it came to a point where I was faced which was the worst?   A lot of people I know have been in that same spot. 

"Your kids are gonna be damaged"  OK, my kids have had a hard time.   Different stages have been harder then others.   Let me tell you this though, I was recently talking to my kids about some of their friends whose parents were going through a divorce and one of my kids said " I cant wait to tell _____ how great it is to be a divorced kid!".   I will admit, this caught me off guard.  When I asked that child what was meant, I was told several reasons.   They liked seeing me more happy, they felt we had more fun, and double holidays (yes, I laughed a lot at that one!).   In fact, I know several people who when they told their kids about the divorce, their kids were happy.  I even have a couple friends who admit that when their parents got divorced they were relieved because home life was just so chaotic.  I know what all the statistics say.  But I think those numbers are missing two factors.   One, the quality of home life before the divorce.   Some kids see the troubles and get a lot of stress from it.  Others are sheltered from it and don't see it coming at all and those have a harder time.  The biggest factor in my opinion is two how BOTH parents react in the divorce.   I have seen several times where BOTH were civil and always kept the kids best interest way above their own and were able to keep that separate from the tension the adults were sorting through.  In those situations, the kids have adjusted well and are really doing good.   However, when even one refuses to do so, it doesn't matter how much the other parent does right, the child then struggles.  The more you see this, the more the child struggles.   Also in a divorce, there are so many times cases when one of the parent disappears or fades out and is not as in involved in the child's lives as they were during the marriage.   These are the times those statistics are most talking about in my opinion.  Kids need both parents to be just that, parents!  A healthy relationship with their father is very important too and that tends to be the one that changes the most in most cases (not all!).

I'm sure that this blog will make a lot of people mad at me.   I will probably get some nasty comments and messages and that's OK, Ive gotten them before.  But before you get on my case, I am not saying divorce is the answer or a good thing.  It is a struggle and a very hard journey to go on, one that should not be made lightly at all!  This is just me writing about the other side of that journey, one that if you read my other posts, will show you is not any fun at all.

Single Mom Misconception

There is something that really bothers and makes a lot of single moms laugh.  A huge misconception a lot of you non-single ladies seem to make.    That would be the idea that we are desperate for a man, your man in particular.   Ive had a lot of my other single mom friends tell me how they get left out of groups and watched more carefully by previous friends.   Stories where friends who were once quick to complain about their spouse, suddenly want to make sure how much they make their husbands happy (we aren't stupid ladies!).

The fact is, most of us are terrified of relationships!   Most of us are in the position of being a single mom because we had a really bad relationship where either we were desperate to get out or we were left.   Sure!  We all have times when we are sick of of doing it alone.   We want other men to step up and be good role models to our kids and work hard to find people to put in that place for our kids.    But the idea of being in a relationship has a hundred reasons of terrifying.  We are exhausted and not sure we have the time for a man, let alone the time for chasing after your man!  We are terrified of making the same mistake a second time.

So rest easy ladies.   How about using that energy to just be a good friend!   In fact, having some true blue female friends is very hard to find these days!   (Im blessed to have one of the best!   But you can never have enough).