This is a very touchy subject for me. My ex and I filed for divorce 4 1/2 months ago and haven't even made it to court yet, and I have so many friends in the process or just out of divorce right now. It is such a difficult place to be in. Every single person will approach this subject differently. It really depends on the person, the fact on if they wanted the divorce or not, if they were surprised by the divorce or not, and the type of condition their marriage was in. I am asked quite frequently (and I ask myself honestly) if I will date again and if I will marry again.
For me, yes, I want to! There are times even now I miss companionship and someone to hold my hand and hug me and go places with. But that being said, I know right now I have SO MUCH healing that needs to be done! More importantly so do my kids.
You see, as hard as divorce is on us, its way more difficult and confusing on our kids! I think when that time comes for us to explore moving on, we need to have them in the front of our minds (and hearts!). They dont really understand why mommy and daddy are together and will struggle with this for quite some time I am told. When you add another person into the mix, it is just that much more confusing for their precious little minds and hearts. I am by no means an expert in this, and would never claim to be. I have just been blessed with amazing people and books that have given me some great information. Here are a few tips I've been given in protecting them when the time comes!
WAIT UNTIL YOU KNOW ITS SERIOUS BEFORE INTRODUCING THE OTHER TO THE KIDS ON A REGULAR BASIS. My mom actually had me as a single mom, in fact, I don't remember much of my dad (he adopted me) until they were engaged. One of the things she always said to me, was that she didnt want me to get attached to someone and then it not work out and Im left hurt by that. As a divorced single parent, I think that is so much more important. The kids dont need to be in the middle of another break up, an unnecessary one as much. Ive had one person tell me its not even wise to expose them to someone of the opposite gender a whole lot in the beginning. Kids are wise, they figure things out. They will wonder whether your just friends or more. Especially if you are the parent living in the original family home. Seeing someone on a regular basis in that home that is not their mom/dad is quite confusing (I have witnessed this in my own children). It is not a big deal for your new person to meet the kids in group settings occasionally, you want to see how that person fits with your kids, but they dont need to be around on a constant basis until you believe there is a serious chance you will marry the said person. For me, this is the most important tip! If I was to date someone with kids, I would want to enforce this on their kids just to protect their hearts as well (I mean, come on, Im awesome, theyd get attached to me, hahaha. Had to throw some humor, sorry)
DO NOT LET THEM REPLACE THE ORIGINAL PARENT. In Florida, if you are getting divorced and there are minor children, you are required by law to take a parenting class. Some of the information in that class is pretty helpful. One of the things they discussed, is even if your married, that person is not meant to replace the other parent in their children's lives. You don't let a girlfriend do mothering things (taking daughter for haircut, taking shopping for special event, etc.) without asking if the mother is OK with it first. You don't let a boyfriend do fathering things (buy your son his first baseball mit, sign him up for sports, etc) without asking the father if it is OK first. This should be in place even if you get married I am told. Its a sign of respect and it helps to foster a healthy environment and relationships for the children, both present and future.
DO NOT CHANGE THE MORAL STANDINGS YOU SET THE STANDARD FOR WHEN YOU WERE MARRIED. I have seen couples make a stand for certain moral issues with their kids and then when they start dating change it. For example letting their kids watch a certain rating in movies because the significant other does with their kids, or letting them dress differently then they were allowed to before. Actually, dating or not, those things should stay the same regardless. But when they start changing because another person is involved, what lessons are you teaching your kids? Your not only going back on your morals, but you are teaching them to compromise themselves for the sake of another person.
IS THIS A PERSON WHO WILL SET A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR YOUR CHILDREN? How is this person pursuing you? How does this person act in private and in public? Is this the type of person you think will be setting a good example for your children? Do you have the same beliefs? I don't think you can REALLY know these answers until you know this person exceptionally well, hence the first point! Its good to make a list (if even a mental list) of the necessary qualities you have to have in a mate before you'd even consider dating them and stick to it! Especially where the kids are concerned.
GIVE IT TIME FOR THE KIDS! Some people are ready to start dating right away, and that is OK. Only you know the condition of your marriage and more importantly the condition that marriage left your heart in. I used to judge people on this before I started going through this myself. We are all different though. We all heal differently and at different rates and NOBODY knows what really goes on behind closed doors, nobody knows how long you felt disconnected from spouse before you got to that point. Only you and God know those answers. HOWEVER, when kids are involved, its a different story. Kids most of the time are not ready to see their mom or dad start dating someone else right away. I am told it takes most kids at least a year before they are even close to being able to be comfortable with that. It will still be hard on them then. Dont add more confusion to their lives at a time they are still figuring it out too. You may be ready and that is OK, but be smart and protect their hearts first and foremost. Date when you dont have them or hire a sitter if you have them all the time and tell them your going out with friends or something. Just be intentional on being there for them.
COMMUNICATE. Someone told me when the time comes for the kids to know your dating and to be introduced, you should tell your ex spouse first. I know for some of us, this is hard because we don't ever communicate with the kids. But it is respectful to tell them first because the kids will want to talk with the parents about it and it produces a healthy atmosphere for the kids to be allowed to. So whether you can stand your ex or not, let them have a heads up. They will be more respectful of you in talking to the kids if you show them respect ahead of time.
No comments:
Post a Comment