The Other Side of Divorce

Let me first start this post off with a disclaimer.   I in no way am saying divorce is good or the fix all for marriage struggles.   Far too often do I think that people give up too easy.   Almost every time when people come to me with marriage problems and them wanting to start this process, I encourage and push them to make sure they have given everything they have to fix the solution.  Divorce is a hard process to go through, regardless if you want it or of the situation.   Kids do struggle with the process in different ways and different stages.   Anyone who knows me well, knows this is very true in my life.   This post is the other side of that and my perspective.

I wanted my divorce.   I know that is a shocking statement to read, but I have my reasons and those will not be shared publicly.   My marriage was a miserable one, for both of us.   That being said, one of the things that drives me crazy are a few things people always say to me (meaning well, I know, and do appreciate the care and concern very much).

"I am so sorry."  This one is the one people usually mean the most concern with and it is sweet that you care.  However, I am not sorry.   I am actually relieved.  It took a lot for me to get to the conclusion I needed to move forward with that choice, a long time, and a whole lot of consideration.   I feel more like myself now then I have in a very long time.   I have freedom to be me.  I feel more happiness, joy, and peace then I have if not ever, in a very long time.  Usually, when I get the "I am sorry" line I try to politely say "Oh don't be!  Its a good thing!"   Its very awkward and a lot of people get shocked or start judging me.  Here is the thing, unless you have been in my shoes, you just cant understand and I know that.  Just like I understand you mean well, I ask you understand there is more then you know.  

"God hates divorce".  Yes!  Absolutely he does!  He hates it because of what it causes and the aftermath.   He hates seeing ones He love to have to go through it.  But He also gives Biblical reasons for it, and you can not really know if those are in play or not.  Many times, when they are, people do not want to talk about it.   There are also different interpretations of those and that is between that person and God.   He also hates in my case, what my marriage was.   My marriage in itself was wrong.   It was wrong for me and my ex, and it was wrong for my kids.   He hated what my marriage was doing to all of us.   In my case, it came to a point where I was faced which was the worst?   A lot of people I know have been in that same spot. 

"Your kids are gonna be damaged"  OK, my kids have had a hard time.   Different stages have been harder then others.   Let me tell you this though, I was recently talking to my kids about some of their friends whose parents were going through a divorce and one of my kids said " I cant wait to tell _____ how great it is to be a divorced kid!".   I will admit, this caught me off guard.  When I asked that child what was meant, I was told several reasons.   They liked seeing me more happy, they felt we had more fun, and double holidays (yes, I laughed a lot at that one!).   In fact, I know several people who when they told their kids about the divorce, their kids were happy.  I even have a couple friends who admit that when their parents got divorced they were relieved because home life was just so chaotic.  I know what all the statistics say.  But I think those numbers are missing two factors.   One, the quality of home life before the divorce.   Some kids see the troubles and get a lot of stress from it.  Others are sheltered from it and don't see it coming at all and those have a harder time.  The biggest factor in my opinion is two how BOTH parents react in the divorce.   I have seen several times where BOTH were civil and always kept the kids best interest way above their own and were able to keep that separate from the tension the adults were sorting through.  In those situations, the kids have adjusted well and are really doing good.   However, when even one refuses to do so, it doesn't matter how much the other parent does right, the child then struggles.  The more you see this, the more the child struggles.   Also in a divorce, there are so many times cases when one of the parent disappears or fades out and is not as in involved in the child's lives as they were during the marriage.   These are the times those statistics are most talking about in my opinion.  Kids need both parents to be just that, parents!  A healthy relationship with their father is very important too and that tends to be the one that changes the most in most cases (not all!).

I'm sure that this blog will make a lot of people mad at me.   I will probably get some nasty comments and messages and that's OK, Ive gotten them before.  But before you get on my case, I am not saying divorce is the answer or a good thing.  It is a struggle and a very hard journey to go on, one that should not be made lightly at all!  This is just me writing about the other side of that journey, one that if you read my other posts, will show you is not any fun at all.