I am aware many of you think because I try to remain positive, that I glorify divorce. That through my positive posts I either am being fake, or I am delirious. Neither of which is true.
The reality is DIVORCE SUCKS! Its awful! When you have kids it is even worse. You live life in a constant battle that is exhausting in every possible way.
As hard as it is for me to admit, I have been stuck in one of those battles lately. Life sometimes gets to me and that is where I have been.
Before I got divorced, I was a homeschooling stay at home mom for about 10 years. Although there are so many aspects of that life I don't miss before this current stage, I miss all that time with my kids! I miss being able to pack up in the middle of the week and take a field trip. I often cooked easy dinners, but I could take the time to prep a special meal when I want to. I was able to shelter my kids and hide them from things I didst want them to see. If I wanted to go off for a few days it was no big deal. We had a yard we could grow things in (and kill them sadly too, my desire to grow never beat out my black thumb) and run and play in, I had no people to judge me because all they saw was the mask I wanted them to all see, the mirage of the life we actually were living.
The shattered reality is I am a working single mom. With 10 years of not working, and an unfinished education, the job offers are slim. I am left with the option of finding a job to provide me the flexibility to be present in my kids lives and work around their schedule, or a job that pays well enough to afford child care and after school care (I honestly prefer the first by extreme far). I take time off to attend field days, field trips, and all performances.......but I constantly doubt if I am getting enough quality time with them. I work hard to fill our free time with fun activities and memories, but exhaustion, homework, chores, etc also prevent things. My kids both struggle with the reality I am no longer able to protect them and hide them from. There are countless nights we all cry ourselves into sleep. I am constantly batting self doubt and insecurity. Words and insults of the past slowly creep back into my mind.
I told a friend recently I feel like Satan is throwing boulders at me lately. Issue after issue. There have been days recently where I just feel like Im drowning in frustration, anxiety, anger, and sadness. I want so bad to create a happy life, a healthy life for the kids and I. I fight so hard to be strong that I've fallen into a place where strength wears you down and you just feel weak. I got so tired of people hurting I started withdrawing in. People who have hurt me, hurt my kids, and hurt others.....It kills me seeing all of it.
So some of you are asking then why the heck did you do it!?!?!?!?!? Well, quite frankly, because I had to! The specifics of it are none of your business, and I do not mean that rude. I don't regret any of it. My kids, even in their saddest nights, they don't wish that I did anything different now either. This was the best decision I made for us and I will stand by that forever.
When people come to me who are torn with the choice of divorce, I tell them how horrible it is. I tell them more reasons if I feel led to and if I believe it helps them. But I also tell them I love them and support them no matter what. Because to be in that place where you even consider it is a horribly painful place not all can understand. Its not a place where they need judgement and criticism.
Why am I positive? Because I believe positive thinking can change the world. Because I am a fighter. Because I have no choice. My super trio (my three bestest friends ever)and my family are the ones I let see the melt downs, the ones I let hear the tears. Sometimes they cry with me, sometimes they yank me up by my hair and tell me to pull it together, and sometimes they do both! Yep, I have times of wallowing (been quite a bit lately). But I don't want pitty, I want to encourage others. The best way to help yourself is to help others.....that's the point of my blog. If you don't like what I read, you can just unfollow and stop reading. Im gonna have bad days, Im gonna have good days, and Im gonna share from my heart. Im gonna have hope for my future. Im gonna persevere. Im gonna have days (today is one) where I just chant like the Little Engine that could until I convince myself God and I go this together and its gonna be alright!
And guess what? Gods got us! We are alright! I have an apartment, our needs are met, I have people who help me with my kids and fill the gap so I can work, I have two kids who do not doubt that their mommy loves them mostest, I have food in our fridge and pantry, we all have clothes to wear, I live close to the ocean, and I could just keep listing the things we do have, but I think this post is long enough for now.
Ill end it with the words of someone I really dont like (Hahaha, thats how I do)....."And the Haters gonna hate, hate, hate. Baby, Im just gonna shake, shake, shake. Shake it off!"
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