Its a Grieving Process

DISCLAIMER:  I write posts like these not to seek pitty, but I know a lot of my readers are in the same boat and I think there is healing in sharing and knowing we all go through this.   That is my purpose of this post, and that alone.

I have said more then once, divorce is truly a form of grief.  Its like someone dies, but you have to face it over and over and over.   And with different kinds of divorces, comes different types of grief.   We all grieve differently and we all grieve different things.   Ive also talked about triggers.   Well, this past week has really just sucked for me.   I got hit with some shocking news last Saturday that hit off a major trigger for me.   It set off a lot of different grievances.   

-I grieve the fact that what goes on when my children are not in my care, I have no control over.   I have no control over if they are being taught wrong/right.  No control over what kind of influences they have on their life.  No control over anything at all.   What to remember, we do have control over that when they are in our control.  Make the most of our time.  Love those babies, make happy memories, and teach those babies with the best example you can offer!

-I grieve the loss of family.   Not just the loss of what was your individual family unit (although that is definitely one of the biggest things I found myself grieving at first), but the loss of extended family.   While married, even in differences, your families become each others families.   When divorce, in some cases (as mine) you lose them all.  In my case, I am thankful my family is behind me and will always be there for me no matter what.   Even if they dont always agree, my family is there, period.

-I grieve the loss of friends.  People will take sides no matter how hard they try not to.  Some will do everything they can to be neutral, but that is very difficult.   Remember, you will gain new friends too.

-I grieve the loss of position.  In my case, I had several people who referred to me as "Mama T".   I saw those people as an extension of my own family, as my second set of kids.  I loved them with my whole heart.  I celebrated birthdays with them, tests, going to college, graduating college and high school, grieved deaths with them, wiped tears, laughed A LOT, listened, and just had fun with them.   A lot of them have been mislead about me and/or are in a position where they feel very awkward to have any contact with me at all.   There are a couple who I still hear from and I am more grateful for the little hellos and check ups then they could ever realize.   This has been a tough one, one with tears, because there is not really a positive spin yet, but I hope to have some.

-I grieve the loss of material possessions.   You lose out on a lot of "stuff" when you get divorced.   Kitchen "stuff", living room "stuff", kid "stuff", holiday "stuff".  It goes on and on and on.   Kitchen stuff and kid stuff and sentimental stuff is the hardest for me.   Then when you add in a significant other moves and and uses your "stuff".  Very hard to swallow and at times for me, makes me angry.   But here is the thing, its just "stuff".   That doesnt make you feel any better or help you cope any better (it doesnt me at least, I still want my stuff! Hahaha).  I keep telling myself, I am OK!  I may think I need a certain tupperware piece, pot, or kitchen utensil......and even though those things are very useful and helpful and the other person may have more then plenty, but you will survive without those things.   I WILL SURVIVE WITHOUT THOSE THINGS!


This process is hard.   In my case, and so many of yours, there is another person/family in the mix.  With that comes a fear and feeling of being replaced.  And I dont mean just by the ex spouse, for me that is not an issue at all.  It with kids, family, friends, etc..  Here is the reality, in some of those, you are being replaced.   FOR ME, I am CONSTANTLY telling myself (sometimes its every minute) that NOBODY will ever replace me as mother (just typing that gets me teary).   There may be things she does better, cooks better, bakes better (stab me in the heart!), or whatever else better....and you got to take it with a grin on your face when your kids tell you, but I AM THEIR MOMMY.  I have all of their past, I have their present, and I will always have their future.  It just may not be as I imagined it and thats OK.  I will be replaced in a lot of other areas and its OK that that hurts me, its OK to be sad about it.   We have to feel those things to become the best version of ourselves we can become.   Thats where I am headed yall! 

I MAY GET KNOCKED DOWN, BUT I ALWAYS WILL GET BACK UP!