So You Want to Date a Single Mom????

Single Moms are amazing women!  They are strong, tough, and have huge hearts.   Those hearts are very hard to get into, but once you do, you will see a special kind of person.  We do not have much time, so actually getting on a date with one of us is a special thing.  Something we do not take lightly.   Do not lose sight of that truth.  If you are one of those guys who has your eyes on one of us, you are very daring!  Haha.  It takes a very strong, patient, special man to be able to date a single mom.    Here are some tips that some of my single moms and I want to share (DISCLAIMER, No two women are the same, so some may not apply, and they are in no particular order).  These are probably good tips for just dating in general too!

BE UNDERSTANDING ABOUT OUR TIME.  We are very busy.  Most of us are struggling with to balance out the responsibilities of being a mom (first and foremost) and bringing in income.  If you do not have kids yourself, you really need to understand we just do not have a lot of free time.   That means we do not have as much time to go out, to talk on the phone, or to text even as other women who do not have kids can.   When we do have time, quite frankly, we are exhausted.  There will be times, no offense to you, we just want to be left alone.   We NEED our quiet time and our space in order to regroup so we can perform the million things we do to our best ability.   What little time we can give you, please see it as a precious gift.  Our time is very important to us, something we do not give up lightly.

BE REAL.  Here is the thing, we are moms.  We can pick up on the tiniest of details that may not match up.  Its our super power.   If we start seeing that, chances are your out.  We do not have time to play with that.

BE REAL WITH OUR KIDS.  If you get to the place where we let you around our kids, we want you to be real with them.   We see through all the flattery, but so do they.   Also, you have to be good with other kids too.   If you are good with our kids, but you are not with others, its a sure sign you are just putting on a front.   We do not want someone to come into our lives who will suddenly (or gradually) become someone different to them, we will be most guarded with them above everything else.

BE ROMANTIC, PAMPERING, AND CONSIDERATE.  Most every woman likes the grandiose gestures, but single moms really love the small details stuff.   Flowers are ALWAYS a good thing.   Little notes, texts, any way you can make her feel considered will go a long way.   Pay attention when she communicates.   Asking her how her day was is great, but when you can ask how a specific thing went, even better.   Remember, she is worn out, find ways to make her feel pampered.   We are always taking care of others, so show her you want to take care of her.    Do things so she does not have to think about all the chaos her life brings.  You do not have to spend a lot of money, but do not be cheap.  I had two moms tell me how they went on dates and the guy was always trying to find ways to make it cheaper (dollar menus, coupons, discounts, etc.).   Guys, especially when you are trying to woo us, that is not a smart move.  We want you, we need you to be smart with money, but we need to feel valuable too.

BE DECISIVE AND INTENTIONAL.  OK, as moms we are always planning everything.  Our days, our kids days, our kids activities and appointments.  Do not make us plan our dates with you too.   Let us have an opinion, and pay attention to what our likes our, but to tell a single mom you'll pick her up at this time and take her out and have it all planned, THAT will impress us!   BONUS!  If you help pay/arrange a sitter for the kids if she does not have an active dad to her kids, you just took impressing her to a whole other level!

DO NOT PLAN SURPRISES WHEN WE HAVE OUR KIDS.  That will stress us out more then you can even fathom.  We like to and need to be in control when it comes to our kids.   We can not just go do some amazing thing you have planned at the drop of a hat.   We have to find the proper child care, or if they get to go a long, there are a million little things you will not think of that will prevent us from really being able to enjoy it.  Trust me, its a very bad idea.  If you want to surprise us, do it when kids are not involved.

BE FLEXIBLE.  Remember, we are juggling a lot of responsibilities at once with nobody to share it with.  There is always a chance we may have to cancel a date at last minute for a million different reasons (Dr appointment, sick kid, change in schedule with ex, kids activity, etc).   Be understanding when that happens.   Understand we may not be able to plan and/or commit to anything far in advance.  Because of our time constraints, you may have to meet us for lunch or breakfast instead of dinner.    Just have a lot of flexibility and we will both have a lot more fun.

UNDERSTAND HER PRIORITIES.  There will be a time where you most likely will not feel like a priority in her life.  That does not mean you are one.    Her priorities will always be changing every day (except the kids will stay top spot permanently).   She may not even know what is on the top of that list some days because there are so many critical things that need to be taken care of.   Be confident that she believed enough in you to offer her time, effort, and energy (very precious things) and that in itself means something.

LISTEN AND PAY ATTENTION.   There will be times when we are literally aching for companionship and a grown adult conversation.   We may go on and on about stuff you could care less about.   But make sure you are listening attentively and paying attention to what we are saying.  We can tell when your not and it really bothers us.  BONUS!   You may get hints to details to help with the above tips and you'll earn extra brownie points!   If we feel like you really understand who we are, you will just dig yourself deeper into our hearts.   If you take interest (doesn't mean you have to like them)in our interest, we love that.  You only learn what those really are by listening and paying attention.

FOLLOW HER LEAD WHEN IT COMES TO THE KIDS.  She is the expert to her children.  Allow her to decide when is the right time and way to meet the kids.    Whether it be a month, 4 months, a year, she knows what is best for them.  When you do meet them, be natural and be yourself.   Do not play "Daddy".   Just be cool and fun.  You do not need to buy their affection.   Remember, if she has gotten to the point where she introduces you in any fashion, she trusts you, that is a big deal.   When that happens, be willing to do kid things occasionally and dive into that world with her.  Bonus if after dating a while, you plan activities with kids (Chuck E Cheese, mini golf, kid movie, go karts, etc)

DO NOT PLAY GAMES.  If you wait three days to call her or any of those other dating games, she will not waste her time.   Do not be flirting with other women.   If we feel like we are having to compete on ANY level at all with another woman, we do not have time for that at all.

MAKE HER LIFE EASIER.  Single moms do not like asking for help.   Maybe its little things like making her smile, making her laugh, hugging her after a hard time (there will be plenty), taking our her trash, taking care of dinner on a day that she has too much on her plate (one mom told me a guy had delivery sent to her house already paid for with a little note, he wasn't even present and helped!).   If we see that you are a help to us, we will not want to let you go easily. 

FIND OUT ABOUT WHY HER RELATIONSHIP BROKE.   This is by no means a first step or something you find out all at once usually.   This is after she has become comfortable and over time.  Learning this will help you understand her fears and apprehensions with you.  It will help you understand her trigger points and how to guide into a successful happy relationship with her.  (LADIES!   DO NOT just pour this out immediately either!)

DO NOT TELL US HOW TO PARENT OUR KIDS.  Enough said.  This will be a sure way to make us angry quick.

DO NOT ACT IMMATURE.  We do not want to have to take care of another kid or feel like we have to take care of another kid.  This will be a huge turn off to us.

KEEP OUR RELATIONSHIP PRIVATE.  This is not because we are embarrassed or ashamed of you.  We want as little drama as possible.   In the social media world we live in, drama happens quick and easy and spreads like wildfire.  Remember, we don't just have ourselves to consider.  We think about how EVERYTHING will get back to our kids and how that will play out for them.  If we detect even a hint of any of this, it will scare us off.  We don't like details about our relationship shared with others, and especially not details about the kids.  It will take us a long time before we go public with our relationship for this very reason.

DITCH THE BATHROOM TALK.   Look, we live in kid world.  We are finally out of that and do not want to hear  anything about farts, poop, burps, or anything remotely close.  I have heard stories that the women just gets up and walks out.  Its disgusting.   Especially when you are trying to woo a girl.   Let us see the gentlemen side please! 


It may seem like a lot, but it is really!   Most of us realize that and that's why if we are even giving dating you a chance, it is a special thing. You have proven to us that we see something in you that is worth going on this journey!   Hope this helps!   :-) 

The Overwhelming, Exhuasting, Scary, Blessed, Single Mom Life

So a lot has been changing in my life.   And I have to say it is overwhelming!   For the past 10 years, I have been a stay at home mom and a homeschooling mom.  I am the type of mom who loves to be around her kids.  Dont get me wrong, they drive me crazy at times.  Times I lock myself in the bathroom just for some silence.   But I love them.  I felt like they were/are my main purpose in life.  But all that has changed quickly.  I have been able to maintain being a stay at home mom with them during a lot of this change thankfully.    But I went from having my kids almost 24/7, to split custody and still homeschooling.  But NOW, Im on a new venture and its tough.  I knew this day was coming, but its not easy.

A lot has been changing in my life.   They are all good changes, changes I should be happy with, but man, they are tough! 

 I have enrolled my kids in public school.   I am blessed to be in a great district and that makes me feel better.   I think we have an amazing principal and the staff seem to really care about the students.  I cant wait to meet their teachers.   The school has an awesome arts program so that makes the kids and I all very happy.  Seth has his placement test tomorrow and Lillie will have hers soon too.   WHEW does that make me nervous!   As a homeschooler you always worry you aren't doing a good job or that your kids aren't up to par, now its getting put to the test!   I am the mom who will be as involved as I can be (which will be tough at times with everything else) in their schools and probably on the PTA.   But it is not the same.   I know it will be good for my kids, but I worry about Lillie with the learning disabilities getting stuck and left behind.  I worry about the other kids and how they will treat my kids.  God has them, and I know that.  But its an adjustment that is hard to process at times.

I am also moving into working mom mode.  This week I have had to arrange Seth some play dates.   He was super excited about it, but honestly, there was part of me that felt guilty!  I think about when they start school, I want to drop them off and pick them up (and I will be working hard to still make that happen!).  I want to be the one doing their homework with them.  But in all reality, I may even have to have a second job at some point.    I know the guilt I had though dropping him off at one day and I have a new understanding of what working moms go through every day.   Doing it alone though?   No extra person to help pick up the slack?   And going from one extreme to the other?  Just not what I pictured.

Im learning to adjust though.  Im researching easier meals.   Healthy things for packing lunches.  Im learning to make lists.   Im trying to find ways to make the other times we are together as special and fun as possible!  Im learning to accept help (and GASP!  ask for help!  EEK!!) from others.  I am learning that even though so often I feel like I am completely alone in this journey, I am not alone at all.   God has given me an amazing circle of family and friends!   People stepping up always to just take care of us.  Ive got people who have helped with the kids, who have helped get me much needed tires, people who have given me money for gas just because they sensed it, and so much more.  

As much as I am overwhelmed and scared of life, even more so I feel blessed to have all of you.  THANK YOU!   I will try to always remember that when the anxiety, stress, and exhaustion sets in.  WE GOT THIS!

Its a Grieving Process

DISCLAIMER:  I write posts like these not to seek pitty, but I know a lot of my readers are in the same boat and I think there is healing in sharing and knowing we all go through this.   That is my purpose of this post, and that alone.

I have said more then once, divorce is truly a form of grief.  Its like someone dies, but you have to face it over and over and over.   And with different kinds of divorces, comes different types of grief.   We all grieve differently and we all grieve different things.   Ive also talked about triggers.   Well, this past week has really just sucked for me.   I got hit with some shocking news last Saturday that hit off a major trigger for me.   It set off a lot of different grievances.   

-I grieve the fact that what goes on when my children are not in my care, I have no control over.   I have no control over if they are being taught wrong/right.  No control over what kind of influences they have on their life.  No control over anything at all.   What to remember, we do have control over that when they are in our control.  Make the most of our time.  Love those babies, make happy memories, and teach those babies with the best example you can offer!

-I grieve the loss of family.   Not just the loss of what was your individual family unit (although that is definitely one of the biggest things I found myself grieving at first), but the loss of extended family.   While married, even in differences, your families become each others families.   When divorce, in some cases (as mine) you lose them all.  In my case, I am thankful my family is behind me and will always be there for me no matter what.   Even if they dont always agree, my family is there, period.

-I grieve the loss of friends.  People will take sides no matter how hard they try not to.  Some will do everything they can to be neutral, but that is very difficult.   Remember, you will gain new friends too.

-I grieve the loss of position.  In my case, I had several people who referred to me as "Mama T".   I saw those people as an extension of my own family, as my second set of kids.  I loved them with my whole heart.  I celebrated birthdays with them, tests, going to college, graduating college and high school, grieved deaths with them, wiped tears, laughed A LOT, listened, and just had fun with them.   A lot of them have been mislead about me and/or are in a position where they feel very awkward to have any contact with me at all.   There are a couple who I still hear from and I am more grateful for the little hellos and check ups then they could ever realize.   This has been a tough one, one with tears, because there is not really a positive spin yet, but I hope to have some.

-I grieve the loss of material possessions.   You lose out on a lot of "stuff" when you get divorced.   Kitchen "stuff", living room "stuff", kid "stuff", holiday "stuff".  It goes on and on and on.   Kitchen stuff and kid stuff and sentimental stuff is the hardest for me.   Then when you add in a significant other moves and and uses your "stuff".  Very hard to swallow and at times for me, makes me angry.   But here is the thing, its just "stuff".   That doesnt make you feel any better or help you cope any better (it doesnt me at least, I still want my stuff! Hahaha).  I keep telling myself, I am OK!  I may think I need a certain tupperware piece, pot, or kitchen utensil......and even though those things are very useful and helpful and the other person may have more then plenty, but you will survive without those things.   I WILL SURVIVE WITHOUT THOSE THINGS!


This process is hard.   In my case, and so many of yours, there is another person/family in the mix.  With that comes a fear and feeling of being replaced.  And I dont mean just by the ex spouse, for me that is not an issue at all.  It with kids, family, friends, etc..  Here is the reality, in some of those, you are being replaced.   FOR ME, I am CONSTANTLY telling myself (sometimes its every minute) that NOBODY will ever replace me as mother (just typing that gets me teary).   There may be things she does better, cooks better, bakes better (stab me in the heart!), or whatever else better....and you got to take it with a grin on your face when your kids tell you, but I AM THEIR MOMMY.  I have all of their past, I have their present, and I will always have their future.  It just may not be as I imagined it and thats OK.  I will be replaced in a lot of other areas and its OK that that hurts me, its OK to be sad about it.   We have to feel those things to become the best version of ourselves we can become.   Thats where I am headed yall! 

I MAY GET KNOCKED DOWN, BUT I ALWAYS WILL GET BACK UP!